Spamalot – my favorite spam, part 2

From the depths of my blog’s comments section, to you. Enjoy another helping of weird, funny, surreal spam:

  • “Thanks designed for sharing such a nice idea, paragraph is fastidious, thats why i have read it entirely” – If there’s one thing I appreciate, it’s impeccably erudite spam that’s as meticulously refined as it is au courant.
  • “What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this web page regularly, this site is actually pleasant and the users are genuinely sharing fastidious thoughts.” –There’s that word again. Looks like someone learned a new word!
  • “What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable familiarity concerning unpredicted emotions.” -Well, you know what they say…for every fastidious spam, there’s an equal and opposite indiscriminate spam.
  • “I all the time used to read post in news papers but now as I am a user of internet thus from now I am using net for articles or reviews, thanks to web.” – Me too! I used to read all my Tweets on clay tablets, but not anymore, thanks to web!
  • “Yes! Finally someone writes about doggy.” -I know, right? Fucking Internet is taken over by cat people, it’s about time someone wrote about doggy.
  • “The other day, while I was at work, my cousin stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!” – 1) Yes, this is completely off topic, and 2) Your cousin is an ass hat.
  • “Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!” -1) Yes, this is still completely off topic. 2) You are also an ass hat. 3) Reminds me to avoid your entire family of ass hats.
  • “This blog was… how do I say it? Relevant!!” -This spam was…how do I say it? A thing that exists.

cat-humor-this-is-relevant-to-my-interests-600x445

Spamalot – my favorite spam, part 1

(General note: sorry for the super long hiatus, life stuff got in the way)

So lately, for some odd reason, there’s been a major increase in the amount of spam comments being posted to my blog by bots. Not sure why, and more so, not sure why they’d even bother with a small personal blog like mine. But these days, I’m getting something in the order of a 1000 spam posts in my comments section per week. Thankfully, I have the Akismet plugin for WordPress, which does a fantastic job of filtering out this garbage.

But I thought it would be fun to share some of the more absurd, funny, or otherwise surreal spams I get on my blog. Comments in italics are mine. Enjoy!

  • Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. (Thanks, man. This info would be really helpful…if it was 2006.)
  • Maybe i got a different wig because i look unboweaveable!!! Im trying to work with this hair. (unboweaveable!!! OMG, I see what you did there!!!)
  • Dear Mr/MadamI am looking for a excelent Suffolk ram and some Lams. Please, send me information about your Stock and the average pricelist. (OK: ram is 300 bitcoins, Lams be 500)
  • Watering on the terrace works well. Taking oil bath is very good. Why not eat mangoes, cane juice and jack fruit. (Why not indeed, my oily terrace dwelling spammer, why not indeed.)
  • Appreciation for this information is over 9000-thank you! (Help me get to 10,000 appreciation, please)
  • See yourself in pastless time.(Pastless time? Pastless…time…WHOAH! Paging Mr. Grant Morrison. Mind. Blown.)
  • You can then click on the Internet .. Your profession is considered to be sure you shop around and you spendexpense of fully comprehensive cover provides you with the solicitors recommendations. I use the “B” word – they’re more likely to receive car insurance company is liable to compensate. (Oh, I used the “B” word too when I saw your incomprehensible spam. Then I clicked on the Internet and all was well.)

zunefan

Anecdotes from Mid-Ohio-Con 2009

I was digging through some old emails and came across this nugget, which I had shared with Chris Ryall at IDW Publishing after my experience at the 2009 Mid-Ohio-Con.

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My big project at the time was the official Terminator Salvation movie prequel, which I had for sale at my table. Both of these anecdotes are related to it.

On Sunday a couple of younger guys were looking through the books on my table, and one of them picked up the Terminator graphic novel. Here’s the conversation that ensued, essentially verbatim:

Guy: Dude, you wrote this?
Me: Yeah, I was given the movie script and asked to–
Guy: Wicked! Did you meet Arnold?
Me: Uh, no, I just wrote the comics and–
Guy: So did you go on the set?
Me: No, I did everything from–
Guy: Dude, is your name in the credits of the movie?
Me: No, see, I just wrote the–
Guy: (nods his head, puts the book down, and wanders off)

Another couple came by with their teenage boy. He told me that he loved the Terminator graphic novel, and that it was only the 2nd or 3rd graphic novel he’d ever read. I thanked him for the compliment, and this is the conversation that ensued between him and his mom:

Mom: Oh yeah, I remember buying this book for you.
Son: You didn’t buy it for me.
Mom: Yes I did.
Son: No you didn’t. I read it at Borders over the course of 3 days.
Mom: Oh. Well, I meant to buy it for you.

At which point they all wandered off.

Oh, the glamorous life of a comic book writer….

Of spoons and goat riders…

After the write-up I did of the horrible 90s “parody” publisher Spoof Comics in this post, I was left with a few unused comic covers. So here for your reading enjoyment (torture) is a look at conflicts, Spoof-style. First up, Spoon vs Batbabe::

spoon_vs_batbabe

See, Spoon is just like Spawn, except she has a bunch of spoons tacked on to her costume! Isn’t that clever? Isn’t that just devilishly humorous?

And next, Goat Rider vs. Moobius:

goatrider_vs_moobius

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but with a name like Goat Rider, it would have made more sense to have the character ride a flaming goat, instead of the same motorcycle Ghost Rider rides. At least that would present some potentially funny visuals. But that’s just me. Man, and that cow humor never gets old, eh?

Good job, Spoof Comics. You’ve once again proved why you only existed during the terrible 90s, the Dark Age of comics.

Happy Thanksgiving

Image

Worst movie ever, or Republican campaign ad?

(I originally posted a version of this to my Ferret Press blog back in November, 2010…but given that election season is once again upon us, I think it’s worth revisiting)

So I was flipping through the channels, and I come across American Ninja 4: The Annihilation.

Americanninja4

Now, with a title like that, I’m sure you can guess just how bad it was, but let me just share the synopsis that popped up on the TV listing:

An ex-ninja must save commandos and the world from a mad sheik and his ninja army.

Yes, you read that right: an Arab sheik and his ninjas!

I watched about 15 minutes of it, and was thoroughly impressed by how they managed to insult Muslims, Arabs, women, Africans, the Japanese, the British, and, oddly enough, extras from the Mad Max movies, all in just that short amount of time. But I digress…

What I wanted to say was I believe this 1990 movie is actually the perfect propaganda campaign ad for Republicans today. Think about it, what’s scarier than Evil Muslims (TM) who are planning to bomb New York with a suitcase nuke? Evil Muslims (TM) who are planning to bomb New York with a suitcase nuke + their ninja army!

Forget about the illegal Mexican children, or African Ebola. Stir up your conservative base by appealing to their fear of Muslim ninjas!

You’re welcome, Republican Party.

WTF Cover: Secrets of Haunted House #19

Secrets_of_Haunted_House_Vol_1_19

I have this particular comic decorating the wall of my office at my day job, alongside a slew of other colorful, zany 70s comics. But this one is my favorite, for 3 reasons:

1) The skeleton is wearing an eye patch, just so you know where that “beautiful glass eye” came from. Why he’s not wearing a blindfold, since he’s obviously missing both eyes, is a mystery. Or a “secret”.

2) The oddly contorted giant mannequin head on the “mom” is awesome. Just look at that vapid expression on her face as she cheerfully gives her precious daughter a “beautiful glass eye.”

3) And finally, how about that “beautiful glass eye” itself? Amirite guys? That beautiful, ginormous, creepy, bloodshot eye. What parents wouldn’t want to give that beautiful bauble to their young daughter?

If that little girl is this excited to play with such a gruesome little trinket, I’d hate to think what other “beautiful” toys she has in her closet. Maybe a shrunken human head? Or a spinal column floating in a jar of formaldehyde? Or a mint copy of Youngblood #1?

By the way, Secrets of Haunted House #19 was published by DC Comics, December 1979. Luis Dominguez drew the cover in question.

(A version of this post appeared on my Ferret Press blog, January 2011)

Spoof Comics: 90s dreck at its best (worst)

Recently, while looking for comic covers to post as part of the Indie Cover Spotlight feature, I ran across several books from a publisher called Spoof Comics. You may remember them from their oh-so-clever Wolverbroad vs. Hobo book, or Spider-femme vs. Denim.

swolverbroad_vs_hobo

sspider-femme_vs_denim1

I’m just kidding. Nobody remembers Spoof Comics.

Well, I’m here to tell you that judging by the covers of their other books, it’s a testament to the strength (and insanity) of the 90s era speculative market that they lasted as long as they did. Again, I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t read a single one of these comics, but honestly, I can’t imagine any of them actually being funny. For example, we’ve got O-X: Cow O’ War:

sox

Because nothing’s funnier than recasting Valiant’s successful X-O: Man O’ War as a cow. Cow’s have udders, which are funny, right? Ugh.

Or how about The Punish-her Score Journal:

Punish-her

First of all, the character’s name doesn’t even make sense, other than it’s the best they could come up with that would somewhat rhyme with Punisher. I don’t even want to know how they wove in the theme of dating and sex and “punishment,” because I have a feeling it’s a bunch of frat house juvenile humor. But hey, check out the early Dave Johnson cover. At least he went on to bigger and better things.

And speaking of great cover artists, the folks at Spoof Comics were at least smart enough to know they’d have a better chance of selling their books if they put some recognizable talent on the covers. My guess is the interiors of these comics were drawn by hungry, naive young artists with way more enthusiasm to “break in” than actual talent. You know, the Bluewater model. So if you can get some nice looking covers, you may at least trick some unsuspecting souls into buying your crap comics.

Case in point, Swamp Thang:

SwampThang

Oh, Kelley Jones, you must have had a car payment to cover that month. But at least it’s a really good cover.

And then there’s Spider-femme:

Spider-femme

That’s right, despite the normal looking (and sized) breasts, that’s pinup artist extraordinaire, Adam Hughes. Incidentally, the above cover is from their anthology series Spoof Comics Presents, which, get this, lasted 19 issues! And in that year and a half of publication, they gave us such gems as Daredame:

Daredame

…Vertigo parodies like Dame Patrol:

Dame_Patrol

…and the super-innuendo of Green Lanterns:

green_lanterns

(by the way, I’m pretty sure that’s a Cully Hamner cover on GL)

…and so many other comedy classics, from Justice Broads to Wet Shirts. I’m telling you, Spoof Comics was a veritable (un)funny factory, churning out not just comic book spoofs, but also those of celebrity rock bands. Behold, Kisses:

Kisses

But even in the early stages of their careers, guys like Adam Hughes and Kelley Jones probably charged too much for a cover (and by too much, I mean “not free,” which seems to have been Spoof Comics’ payment standard), so their other books looked more like this:

Youngspud

That’s right, Youngspud. What’s funnier than a parody of Rob Liefeld’s Youngblood book, than a bunch of potato superheroes? God, I can just imagine all the funny lines in that book: the heroes drink a lot to get “mashed,” or maybe they fight a French supervillain team called Les Frites?

Well, I’m afraid that’s about as much as I can stand to write on this topic. But before I go, I’ll leave you with the best of the bunch. Behold teh funny of Soul Trek:

Soultrek

I don’t even want to know.

(A version of this post originally appeared on my Ferret Press blog, April, 2011)

Good Show, Sir!

Good Show Sir is a British blog celebrating “Only the worst Sci-fi/Fantasy book covers.” You can submit your own, and rate the ones already on the site.

Here are a few of my faves:

Oh god, her eyes...her eyes!

Oh god, her eyes…her eyes!

They don't look to be "beneath the streets" at all.

They don’t look to be “beneath the streets” at all.

300 riveting pages chronicling the adventures of space door-to-door salesmen selling old timey women's bras.

300 pages chronicling the adventures of space door-to-door salesmen selling old timey women’s bras.

WTF?

WTF?

Look at his tiny, tiny legs. OK, who am I kidding, I just posted this for the bewbs.

Look at his tiny, tiny legs. OK, who am I kidding, I just posted this for the bewbs.

The working title of my memoir, as presented on BuzzFeed

“21 insanely boring facts about my life that will blow your mind”

“This man was born in Iran. You simply won’t believe what happened next”

“13 of my life experiences only anxious geeky extroverts with disabilities would understand”

“53 signs that I can’t believe I’m over 40”

“My career in comics, as told by Sir Mixalot lyrics”

“38 questions people from Iran living in America are sick of being asked”

“The shocking truth behind my poor eyesight, and why you won’t see the world the same ever again”

“My 8 most epic blog posts from 2008, and how they didn’t change my life”

“Nerve-wracking story of my 1988 SAT test will make you laugh and cry at the same time”

“12 countries I’ve traveled to, and why you’ll never see the pictures on American TV”

“18 times I almost used the word ‘YOLO’ but then decided not to”

“This Vine video will break your heart, but it made me just shrug”

“10 (not so great) quotes vaguely about my life from 80s indie comic books”

“37 Twerking pics of people who are not me”

“Some reporter on FOX News made an extremely racist remark, but I wasn’t watching so I missed it”

“27 most overused hastags that describe my life, if I knew what hashtags were”